Monday, December 28, 2009

ghosts of Christmas....

So I have no earth shattering, life altering reason that it's been so long since I've updated this thing. Just been living life each day as it comes, thankful and blessed for the time that God has given us. I am working on a post for the beginning of the year highlighting our 2009 year, and will probably talk about resolutions then. I've never been one to make resolutions, let alone stick to the few ones I have actually made. Gonna work on that though. Maybe if I write them down this way, I can hold myself more accountable!

This has been me the past few days, and maybe writing it out will make it a little easier to understand and deal with.........some people might find this incredibly shallow and naive. But for me, it's real, and it's how I feel....

The days before and Christmas morning was wonderful.... it truly was. It was filled with family, friends, lots of laughter, singing, dancing, christmas lights looking, and just time together. I try every year to fit as much in as I possibly can, because of the schedule the girls are on. It started last year this way, and every other year after this one, it will be this way. And I guess every other year, I will have to go through this again and deal with my emotions in a way so as to cope with the way we must do Christmas.

Christmas isn't about gifts. I know this, and we have emphasized this to the girls. But let me give you a small snapshot into our lives at 12:20pm on Christmas day, when a lot of people have only begun to celebrate the day with family and friends. My parents, aunt and uncle, and David's parents have just left. The girls had left 20 minutes before that, at noon. David has gone to take a shower, and I walk into the den, look around, and I just want to cry. The doll, the only thing Chloe wanted for Christmas, the only thing that she had talked about for months, had been tucked ever so gently into her new little bed and kissed before her momma Chloe walked out the door. I'd been left with instructions on how to take care of her while Chloe was gone. Kameryn's charm bracelet, a gift from David and I, with little charms, each one picked out to describe her perfectly had been taken off and left on the coffee table, and her new camera from Santa, filled with happy pictures she'd snapped throughout the morning, put in it's case, and was still. I wasn't ready for the flood of emotions that would hit me after seeing this.

It just broke my heart as I tried to put myself in their shoes as a child. To wake up Christmas morning, the excitement and fun, and then leaving it all. Yes, in 10 days they will be able to once again physically touch these things and play with them. Yes, they were leaving there with their father who they were happy to see and going to a home filled with more presents for them. And yes, there are children in the world who don't have anything, let alone a Christmas present, or parents who don't have their children anymore to hug and celebrate anything with. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that would be, and I know that to some it might seem shallow to hear me say these things, but for me,right now, at this moment in my life, as a mother who wants the best for her children, who feels partly responsible for all the hurt, confusion, and difficult things they have to endure now, who gets to put away the Christmas tree and at the same time find new places for their gifts, I know that Christmas for them will never quite be the way it was for me growing up, and that breaks my heart.

I walk upstairs later that day, and the sheets on Kameryn's bed, and Chloe's makeshift trundle bed, made up in Kam's room so they could be together on Christmas Eve/morning, were still helter-skelter after 2 little girls scurried out of them giggling before dawn on Christmas morning. It's like everything had just froze in time. Flood-of-Emotions all over again.

But every other year, at noon on Christmas day, I will be strong, and hug them, tell them I love them and will take care of whatever they are leaving behind until they come back home. And when they call each day for an update, I get to tell her that I have changed her doll's clothes each day and put her pj's on and tucked her into bed each night, just as I was asked to do....

5 comments:

Leslie said...

Okay, I am now crying. Oh Wendy, your honesty was so refreshing. Those girls are so lucky to have you are their momma!

Christy Brockman said...

Oh, how I just want to hug you right now! I can't imagine how hard it is for you. But you are right, those little girls are surrounded with love and probably don't have the same emotions that you do. There are many parts to a family -all wonderful in their own unique way! It breaks my heart that you can't spend the holidays with them the way that you are used to....treasure every moment. I love you!

Brett, April, Caden & Corban said...

wendy, my heart is hurting for you right now. praying for strength. --a

Stacy said...

You made me tear up, too. I'm so sorry it can't be just perfect for you! It is always great to read about how happy your girls seem, though.

Hello blog buddies! It's me, Crouse! said...

got tears in my eyes reading this. i get so frustrated at my day-to-day life in dealings, and i forget how hard it must truly be for them. also knowing that the "other" home is so not drama-free - i must make more of an effort to make our home even more so. thanks for the reminder - you are so right about so many things. it's such a sad thing that they will never have what you and I did, and we are so helpless to change that.