ghosts of Christmas....

So I have no earth shattering, life altering reason that it's been so long since I've updated this thing. Just been living life each day as it comes, thankful and blessed for the time that God has given us. I am working on a post for the beginning of the year highlighting our 2009 year, and will probably talk about resolutions then. I've never been one to make resolutions, let alone stick to the few ones I have actually made. Gonna work on that though. Maybe if I write them down this way, I can hold myself more accountable!

This has been me the past few days, and maybe writing it out will make it a little easier to understand and deal with.........some people might find this incredibly shallow and naive. But for me, it's real, and it's how I feel....

The days before and Christmas morning was wonderful.... it truly was. It was filled with family, friends, lots of laughter, singing, dancing, christmas lights looking, and just time together. I try every year to fit as much in as I possibly can, because of the schedule the girls are on. It started last year this way, and every other year after this one, it will be this way. And I guess every other year, I will have to go through this again and deal with my emotions in a way so as to cope with the way we must do Christmas.

Christmas isn't about gifts. I know this, and we have emphasized this to the girls. But let me give you a small snapshot into our lives at 12:20pm on Christmas day, when a lot of people have only begun to celebrate the day with family and friends. My parents, aunt and uncle, and David's parents have just left. The girls had left 20 minutes before that, at noon. David has gone to take a shower, and I walk into the den, look around, and I just want to cry. The doll, the only thing Chloe wanted for Christmas, the only thing that she had talked about for months, had been tucked ever so gently into her new little bed and kissed before her momma Chloe walked out the door. I'd been left with instructions on how to take care of her while Chloe was gone. Kameryn's charm bracelet, a gift from David and I, with little charms, each one picked out to describe her perfectly had been taken off and left on the coffee table, and her new camera from Santa, filled with happy pictures she'd snapped throughout the morning, put in it's case, and was still. I wasn't ready for the flood of emotions that would hit me after seeing this.

It just broke my heart as I tried to put myself in their shoes as a child. To wake up Christmas morning, the excitement and fun, and then leaving it all. Yes, in 10 days they will be able to once again physically touch these things and play with them. Yes, they were leaving there with their father who they were happy to see and going to a home filled with more presents for them. And yes, there are children in the world who don't have anything, let alone a Christmas present, or parents who don't have their children anymore to hug and celebrate anything with. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that would be, and I know that to some it might seem shallow to hear me say these things, but for me,right now, at this moment in my life, as a mother who wants the best for her children, who feels partly responsible for all the hurt, confusion, and difficult things they have to endure now, who gets to put away the Christmas tree and at the same time find new places for their gifts, I know that Christmas for them will never quite be the way it was for me growing up, and that breaks my heart.

I walk upstairs later that day, and the sheets on Kameryn's bed, and Chloe's makeshift trundle bed, made up in Kam's room so they could be together on Christmas Eve/morning, were still helter-skelter after 2 little girls scurried out of them giggling before dawn on Christmas morning. It's like everything had just froze in time. Flood-of-Emotions all over again.

But every other year, at noon on Christmas day, I will be strong, and hug them, tell them I love them and will take care of whatever they are leaving behind until they come back home. And when they call each day for an update, I get to tell her that I have changed her doll's clothes each day and put her pj's on and tucked her into bed each night, just as I was asked to do....

A "Real Simple" Deal

Quick fun find for you that I found on someone's blog today. Look at THIS!!I've already ordered my subscription! I LOVE this magazine, but hardly ever splurge and buy one. I usually just look at it online. Now you can have a full year of them for $5.....!! Wow, I love a good deal- Enjoy!

It's coming....

2009 Room Makeover in progress...... will catch up on the past 7 months plus post pics from our latest project.... got a lot to do in a week's time while the girls are gone! Here's a hint......

Fun thing....

Yes, instead of posting fun pics of the holiday to go with everything that has been going on with us... I thought I'd post this link to a really fun "word cloud" website. You can either type in a few things, or copy portions of your blog or whatever you choose. It chooses the most used words and creates a random word cloud.... pretty neat eh? Have fun and make your own! You can click on mine and it will make it bigger. I couldn't find a way to copy the actual wordle and paste it any larger.

Link Above...

UPDATED: I have included my letter at the end of my post as an example...

To all of you mothers....

I stumbled upon this blog of someone who has decided to create a book for his wife, for her christmas gift. It is a book of letters from mothers to mothers....any type of letter. Some have been from adoptive moms to birth moms, first time moms to old timers with questions, stories of love, sadness, questions....anything goes. For those that send him a letter before Christmas you will also get a copy of the book if you email him and let him know you'd like one. The letters...some long, some short...some funny, some sad, are ones that will make you look inside the mother in you. I just wrote mine this afternoon. Above is the blog address and on that is an email address if you would like to write a letter. This is what they are doing this instead of gifts. How neat is that?!

I thought I'd include my letter as well. Most of you who read this already know my story, for those that don't..... now you will.....

Dear Mother,
We are beings that will forever change the world. We come in all shapes and sizes. We have all lived different childhoods and experienced different things in life. We have all had dreams and goals each with different time-lines and outcomes. We have all experienced joy, pain, and sadness. We have given birth to a miracle created by the hand of God. Some have the physical scars as their rites of passage, others have the emotional scars that are etched into the soul forever. We have laughed from the depths of our souls, we have cried from the chasms of our sorrow. We have wished on birthday candles and shooting stars. We have wiped tear-filled eyes and bloody knees. We have kissed away the pain and bandaged the scrapes. We feel their pain and pray for their souls. Who are we? We are mothers--past, present, and future. No matter where we are at this moment, whether our children are near or far away, we will always be...a mother. My journey of motherhood began much earlier than I had expected. I had completed my second year of college, and was planning on going overseas the next year to take part in a wonderful experience that would hopefully help me make my decision as to what and where my life was going next. I never got there.

There were circumstances and actions taken that summer that found me 20 years old, unmarried, and pregnant. I was scared, mad, unsure, and every other emotion in the book. But I knew at that moment, that my life was never going to be the same. It wasn't about me anymore. God had different plans for me. My daughter will be 10 years old this April and I, without a doubt, believe that she was my angel sent from Heaven to save me. She is my pride and joy and the light of my life. She has blessed my husband and I, and my family more than we could have ever imagined. She has a heart of gold and truly believes when she says "God knew you needed me then, Mommy, more than anyone else, so He sent me to you early." And she's right. I did need her. I needed God to show me that He was in control. She saved me. In every way possible. I am also a mother of a rambunctious 5 year old that keeps us in stitches everyday. Being a mother is a magical and miraculous gift given to us by God, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Watching a child learn about life and God is indescribable. To know that he has entrusted me with one of His own is humbling beyond words.

May God bless you and your sweet sweet family. May the memories you make each day, be held close to your hearts.

hmmm.....

Wendy is wondering why when she posted new post on Wednesday, it's still not showing up on her friends updated blog's list.......hmmmm.....?

We had a great time in Destin the week before last for Fall Break. There were not many crowds anywhere and the weather was pretty good. It rained 1 day while we were there and sprinkled off and on another day, but when the sun was out, it was BEAUTIFUL! We loved getting to spend time with David's parents, sister, and nephew Caleb! We don't get to see Jen and Caleb often so it was great having them there with us all week. We played on the beach, in the pool, in the condo, we went bowling on the Air Force base the day it rained, we took naps, which we a treat! and just goofed off! It was the first time we'd been to the beach with Chloe so we loved getting to experience everything with her for the first time. We saw a ton of dolphins and ate some amazing food! We all would've loved to have stayed a few more days!!!

Here's David and I on the beach....
our Chloe...



Just happy being.....

all my babies.... I hate this one is blurry...



Fudpuckers....

about to get on the go-karts!

my angel....

love this picture...

the "aunts"

the whole Joachim crew....well, minus Eric....

we are all extremely competitive in our family....probably not the best thing..

I was a very sore loser after this race..... Kam and David smoked us....


Thanks "Non & Pop" for a GREAT trip! :)